Balance
by Frisco
Summary: Life crumbles for Rodney McKay. A special emissary is sent to help him find his way. It's a Wonderful Life SGA style.


A/N: Contains spoilers through The Daedalus Variations. This is a PG rated het story (McKay/OFC) just so you aren't surprised._

* * *

Janus strolled through the corridors of Atlantis, a smile playing on his lips. How he loved this city. He drifted into the cafeteria, enjoying the snippets of conversation, the laughter, the gestures of affection. So much had changed since Weir's people arrived. Thousands lived here now – expedition members and their families, refugees from the Wraith, even Jaffa and Tok'ra. Janus had watched over these people since their arrival; he had kept an eye on certain ones long before that. The Others had frowned upon his occasional interference, but he thought of these people as his children, and when they had needed a 'lucky break,' he had provided it. Today he would push that non-interference line further than he ever had._

_Unseen to the inhabitants of the mess hall, Clarika blazed in and corkscrewed to a stop next to Janus. She certainly had style especially for one so new to this plane of existence. "Is my assignment in here?" she asked with a final bounce._

_Janus chuckled as her form flickered from white light to short red-head. "No. He's in his lab. This way." He led her toward Science Tower Four, floating over the city as they exited one building and entered another._

"_The Others?" she asked._

"_Teer, Hedda, and their people are covering us, blinding the Others to our presence here. As soon as you know what's needed, I'll leave and draw their attention to another place while our faction continues to provide coverage for you."_

"_Will you be all right?"_

"_I've been doing this for millennia, and they haven't punished me yet," Janus answered with a grin._

_They swooped into a lab filled with laptops, coffee cups, and scribbled-on whiteboards. A man with a lined face and gray liberally sprinkled through his hair sat with his head in his hands, staring blindly at a video continuously looping on the monitor in front of him._

"_Meet Dr. Rodney McKay."_

"_Why is he so sad?" Clarika asked, sinking into the desk, her face peering through the monitor._

_Janus sighed. "Why don't we start at the beginning?" Touching her hand, he whisked her back in time._

xxx

"I don't understand, Daddy. Where is Mommy going?"

"_Awww…. He was a cute kid," Clarika said. "His mother left?"_

"_Not willingly. She was diagnosed with cancer, a fatal disease in this time and place. His father was obsessed with saving her, leaving Rodney – Meredith as he was called then – to care for himself and his sister. A heavy burden for a seven year old."_

Peter McKay stuffed his research in his briefcase and dug in his pocket for car keys. "I don't have time for this again, Meredith. I have to get back to the lab."

"But, Daddy-"

"Not now! And no more calls to the hospital. Your mother needs her rest."

Rodney flinched as the door slammed. Jeannie slipped her hand in his. "It's okay, Mer. Daddy will fix her."

His fingers tightened around hers, blinking away the tears that had gathered in his eyes. "Come on. I'll make you a sandwich."

_Janus shook his head sadly as they flitted forward in time. "Rodney's mother died a few weeks later. His father remarried a year after that, choosing a woman as focused on her career as he was on his. She laid the blame for every argument they ever had squarely on Rodney's shoulders. He struggled under the pressure; he searched to find his place, his purpose."_

_Time flicked by, showing a growing Rodney playing with Legos, dabbling with a chemistry set, teaching himself French, sitting at a piano stiff-lipped and staring straight ahead as an older man spoke._

"You are technically proficient, Mr. McKay, but you have no artistry. Perhaps you should try something besides piano."

"_Each failure pushed him a little further into himself. He never touched a piano again; he refused to play baseball again after he failed to catch one fly ball. He concentrated on his studies, his proudest moment being the bomb he created in grade six. Life became about proving himself worthy."_

Jeannie handed Rodney an envelope with a MENSA return address. "So?"

Rodney wiped his hands on the hem of his shirt and ripped the letter open. And smiled.

"_Each success drove him harder until being the best was the only thing that mattered. Top of his class, graduating two years early. His Bachelor's by nineteen, Master's at twenty-one. His second PhD by twenty-six. Science became his life, his obsession. He abandoned his family, his childhood dreams, all attempts at friendship. He didn't care who he hurt or stepped on to get what he wanted."_

"That was my internship, McKay! How dare you sabotage it!" Angelica trembled with rage as she cleaned out her desk.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Sabotage? I simply pointed out your lack of proficiency in, oh… everything. They needed someone who actually knew what he was doing. Namely me."

"_Are you sure this is the kind of man we need?" Clarika asked._

_Janus smiled indulgently. "People can change. Rodney was meant to be here. Everything in his life pointed him to Atlantis – his passion for science, his discarded family connections, his work for the Air Force, his assignment to the SGC, his banishment to Russia. What he needed was here. It was no accident that Elizabeth Weir, Carson Beckett, Radek Zelenka, and John Sheppard were members of the expedition. It was no accident that Athos was the address Rodney chose when they arrived. It was no accident that they visited the planet Ronon Dex was on at exactly the right time."_

"You all right, McKay?" Sheppard asked.

Rodney stared at the ocean, his back ramrod straight. "Fine. Never better."

"Hmmm." John leaned his elbows on the railing, the breeze raking through his hair. "Losing people is never easy, you know. I puked my guts out the first time someone under my command was killed."

"Really?"

"Really."

Rodney's shoulders slumped as his chin dropped to his chest. "First Gall and Abrams. Now Johnson, Wagner, Dumais, and Hays. All in the same day. I- I don't- How do you-"

"You don't give up. You focus on the job at hand and the ones who are still alive."

They stood silently, listening to the waves crash against the pier below. After a while, Sheppard nudged McKay. "Wanna get some dinner?"

Rodney shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." He followed Sheppard to the door, stopping before they crossed the threshold. "Does it get easier?"

"No. And that's good. It means you still care."

"What if I don't want to care?"

"Too late, McKay. You already do."

xxx

Rodney stumbled into the back of the jumper, his arms slung over the shoulders of Sheppard and Zelenka. They gently laid him on a rear bench then moved to the front, powering up and rising from the ocean floor. He moaned, pressing the heel of one hand to his temple which was bleeding again.

"We have you, Rodney. We'll be back in the city in minutes."

"I knew you'd figure it out, Radek. Deep down, a part of me knew you'd find me and get me out of here."

"Now I know he is delirious, Colonel. Rodney McKay would never say anything like that."

"The whale didn't even eat me."

Sheppard glanced over his shoulder. "Hang in there, McKay. I'm trying to balance the pressure while getting us out of here before the shield dies."

He smiled as his eyes drifted shut. "I knew you'd come."

xxx

Rodney wrapped his arms around the base of the commode, leaning his head against the seat during a momentary reprieve.

"You done?" Ronon asked.

"No."

"Is this your people's way of honoring the dead?"

"This is my way of trying to forget my best friend is dead."

"Puking for hours does that?"

"No, the drinking was supposed to do that."

"Did it?"

Rodney sighed. "No. I can still hear the explosion."

Ronon slid down to the floor, elbows on his knees.

"What are you doing?" McKay moaned.

"Waiting."

"For what?"

"You."

"Why?"

Ronon leaned his head against the wall. "'Cause that's what we do."

xxx

Rodney huddled in the corner of the darkened office now clear of its contents save a lone box on the desk. "This can't be happening," he whispered.

The lights blared to life when Teyla entered. She picked up the box and turned, startling at his presence. "Rodney? What are you doing?"

"What? Oh, ah, I was… just, uh-"

She set the box in a chair and waved the lights to low then moved to his side, pressing her back against the wall to his right. "I miss her, too."

A shudder ran his length as he closed his eyes. "I can't get the image of her running from the jumper out of my mind."

"Rodney-"

"It's my fault, Teyla," he whispered. "If I hadn't reactivated her nanites-"

"-we would not have a ZPM, and we would all be dead." She faced him, gently lifting his chin until his eyes met hers. "To sacrifice your life for another is the most precious gift that can be given. Elizabeth knew what she was doing. Nothing was more important to her than the safety of this city. If she is out there, we will find her. Until then, honor her by accepting the gift she has given you, given all of us."

"Do you really think we'll find her?"

Teyla touched her forehead to his. "We will never stop looking."

xxx

Rodney's eyes never left the cafeteria entrance, the tray in front of him still untouched. His face lit up as a slender woman with red hair tucked behind her ears entered. He stood slightly and waved.

"_Who is this?" Clarika asked, freezing time as she studied the two. "Obviously someone important to him."_

"_This is Katie Brown. She and the next person we'll meet had a profound effect on him. The changes in him that resulted from being on Sheppard's team were only the beginning."_

"Hi, Rodney," Katie called, grabbing a sandwich and bottle of water then hurrying to his table.

"How are things in the botany lab today?"

Her face brightened. "We found the most amazing plant on the mainland. It sings! Can you imagine?"

"Wow." His eyes glazed over, and he propped his chin on his palm.

"_He doesn't look very interested," Clarika noted as Katie chattered on._

"_He isn't. But the important part is that he's listening. While this relationship won't last, he's learning how to put the needs of another above his own. She will teach him how to be close to someone, will stir a longing in him he didn't know he had. Before Katie, Rodney had sworn off ever getting married."_

xxx

"Just for a minute," Teyla said. "Please, Rodney. Kanaan was to meet me here to take Torren, but he has been called to a council meeting, and I simply cannot leave the Mourrecan delegation with Mr. Woolsey."

Rodney's eyes bulged. "You wouldn't let me hold him for weeks, and now you want me to take care of your kid while you negotiate? Are you crazy?"

"No, desperate." She smiled slyly at him. "They are the ones who provide the quariq bean. What you use for your coffee."

"Aw, that's cheating."

She arched a brow at him. "Very well. I will stay with Torren and let Mr. Woolsey handle the trade agreement."

"No, no, no, no. You know he'll never ask for coffee beans." Rodney grimaced and held out his arms. "Give him here."

Teyla placed her swaddled son gently in Rodney's arms. "You will be fine. Everything you need is in the pack."

"And if he starts crying?"

She grinned. "Talk to him. That should put him to sleep immediately."

Rodney stared at her back as she hurried out of the cafeteria. "I think I've just been insulted." He glanced down at Torren. "Your mother has been spending too much time around Sheppard and Ronon. And Keller. And Zelenka."

Torren yawned then blinked sleepily.

"Oh. Oh no. Please go back to sleep."

Wriggling, Torren worked one arm loose and reached for Rodney's face. McKay tried to grasp the boy's arm to tuck it back in.

"This is such a bad idea. Now you're going to catch cold, and Teyla will kill me with those sticks. Which hurt, by the way. I finally convinced Ronon that some self-defense moves would be more beneficial than trying to teach me to beat someone with…."

He trailed off as Torren laughed and clutched a fist around his forefinger.

"Hey, that's quite a grip you've got there. What's Teyla been feeding you? Ah, never mind. I really don't want an answer to that."

Torren giggled again and tugged Rodney's finger toward his mouth.

"I need that finger, you know. I mean, how would I explain to the scientific community that I was mere centimeters from the Theory of Unification until a baby gnawed my finger off?"

Rodney's face softened as Torren cooed and stared transfixed at him. Ignoring the baby slobber, he stroked a free finger down the boy's cheek. Torren snuggled into Rodney's chest with a sigh and promptly fell asleep. Rodney patted him awkwardly then turned back to his tray, finishing his lunch one-handed.

"_What is he humming?"_

"_A lullaby his mother sang to him," Janus answered. "I doubt he realizes he's doing it. Children have always irritated Rodney even when he was a child. He doesn't understand them, and he certainly never wanted to have any of his own."_

"_Until Torren," Clarika guessed._

"_Exactly. Being around Teyla's son on a daily basis, and watching his teammates with him, opened a door."_

"_Does he get married? Does he have kids?"_

"_Patience. We're getting there." Janus chuckled at her curiosity. Still so much to learn. "Rodney dated off and on over the next couple of years – Jennifer Keller, Anna Guilderoy, Rachel Simms. But each relationship ended up in friendship only. Then he met Hannah Alvarez."_

xxx

The doors to the conference swung open, and Woolsey entered followed closely by a dark-haired woman in a tailored business suit and spike heels. Eyebrows shot up as she took the seat next to him and handed him a file.

"Good morning," Woolsey greeted. "I would like to introduce Hannah Alvarez. She's been serving with the IOA for the past five years, overseeing the SGC budget. She will be assisting me in the administration of the city."

Introductions were made around the table, and she smiled as she took in each face. "Very nice to meet all of you. I'm thrilled to be here."

The meeting proceeded like all the others except with Hannah taking notes and juggling folders. Woolsey stood at the end of the meeting.

"One last item. Now that Ms. Alvarez is here, I would like all reports and requisitions to go through her first. She will pass along anything that needs my attention. If she makes a request, she is doing so on my behalf; please respond promptly. Thank you, everyone."

"Great," Rodney moaned as the room emptied. "A glorified secretary gets to decide whether or not to greenlight the neutronium I need."

Sheppard pushed away from the table. "Ease up, McKay. She may be easier to deal with than Woolsey."

"Oh, please. Did you see how tight that bun was? Her eyes were practically on the sides of her head."

"Wasn't looking at her hair," Ronon mumbled, ducking a swat from Teyla.

"She was hot," Sheppard agreed.

"Hot?" McKay squeaked. "Would you get your minds out of the gutter? She's just one more layer of red tape."

xxx

"Dr. McKay?"

Rodney sagged as Hannah's voice called through his lab door. The chime had gone unanswered for the last few minutes. "Guess you didn't take the hint," he muttered, stomping to the door to open it. He glared down at her. "What?"

She brushed past him, a file in her hand. "I need to speak with you about the last personnel request you sent in." She perched on a stool, smoothing the jacket to her Atlantis standard uniform. "It was incomplete."

"What about 'I need more people' is unclear to you?"

"I didn't say unclear. I said incomplete. There are several-"

Rodney marched back to his workstation. "Maybe you have the time to waste on filling in little blanks, but I have actual work to do." He glanced up at her. "You know, keeping the city running and all? So, go… file your nails or something."

Hannah cocked her head to the side, a slight smile on her face. "I apologize for the intrusion, Doctor." She hopped off the stool and breezed through the doors.

He watched her go then shook himself and turned back to his work. "Get a grip, McKay."

xxx

"Where the hell is my new chemist? I distinctly remember filling out all the forms. In triplicate. I needed him here last week." McKay's face was red as he paced in front of Hannah's desk, her office on the opposite side of the gateroom from Woolsey's. "Well?"

"I'm sorry, Doctor. I don't have a request for a chemist." She pulled a form from a file. "I do have an incomplete request for personnel. You might remember that I tried to discuss this with you about a month ago."

"You mean you've been sitting on this because I have more important things to do than quibble over some minutiae on one of your damn forms? And what the hell is with all the paper? Haven't you people ever heard of computers?" Spittle flew as Rodney shouted in her face. "You're a bigger moron than I thought. Where is Woolsey?"

Hannah pulled off her glasses and leaned back calmly. "Mr. Woolsey is in a meeting with Ms. Emmagan and the elders from Lebuerg."

Rodney's jaw worked as they held a staring contest. She smiled at his death glare, not backing down.

"What will it take to get my chemist here?" he finally asked.

"You telling me you need a chemist." She handed him the form. The space for _Position Needed_ was empty.

"You couldn't figure that out from the job description?"

"What job description?" she asked.

"The one attached…. Oh."

"Yes. Oh." Hannah smiled sweetly at him. "Now, if you'll finish filling out the request, I'll be happy to fast track it."

"I'm sure you will."

Her smile faded. "I'm not your enemy, Doctor. I want to do everything I can to help Atlantis run as effectively as possible. I want to help."

"Yes, um, well…." The blush started at his neck and worked its way up.

"Doctor?"

"I'll, uh, get this back to you soon." His blush deepened. "And, ah, you can, you know, call me Rodney."

xxx

"Help me!" Rodney screamed as he stumbled through the gate, dragging Ronon behind him.

"The med team is almost here," Woolsey informed him. "What happened?"

Rodney dropped to his knees and hugged Ronon to him, rubbing the man's chest vigorously while water dripped from his hair, hands, clothing, boots, the tip of his nose. "Damn idiot jumped in an icy river trying to save some locals."

"How long?" Keller called as her team rushed into the room.

"Oh, thank God." Rodney scooted out of their way, sinking onto a step. "I don't know. Fifteen minutes maybe. I had to do a few chest compressions to get the water out of his lungs. He stopped shivering before we got to the gate."

"Where are Colonel Sheppard and Teyla?" Woolsey asked as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

"On their way. They were at the settlement finishing the negotiations when it happened. Sheppard told me to get Ronon home." Rodney turned to Keller. "Is he going to be okay?"

Keller helped the team get Ronon on a gurney as she answered. "I think so. His body temperature is dangerously low, but he's a fighter." She buckled the last strap. "Let's go."

Rodney glanced up as a warm blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Hannah closed it in the front and rubbed his arms briskly. "Did Ronon save them?" she asked. "The locals?"

"Some of them. The others… well, the current was incredibly strong."

"And you jumped in after him?"

His teeth chattered as his nose and ears reddened. "Well, I couldn't just sit there and watch him drown. We don't leave our people behind, you know."

She considered him thoughtfully then smiled. "I've heard that. You should take a hot shower and change. You're soaking wet."

He glanced at her hands as they ran over his shoulders and down his chest. "I am? Oh, I am. I should do that… though I've probably already caught pneumonia. Ronon's going to owe me dessert for a month after this." Rodney grinned. "I saved his life. He'll hate that, probably have to save mine the next three times to consider us even."

Hannah pulled him to his feet and pushed him in the direction of crew quarters. "Go. Now."

Rodney frowned at her over his shoulder as he made his way to the transporter, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. "I'm going. And not because you said so. Keller won't let me in the infirmary like this."

She smiled to herself as he disappeared into the transporter. "Who are you, Rodney McKay?"

xxx

"That woman is driving me crazy," McKay announced as he plopped into the cafeteria chair. "Nothing I do is good enough for her. She constantly nitpicks." He slumped in his seat, sulking. "Yesterday she dropped by my lab to discuss my allegedly hard-to-read handwriting. Said she couldn't make out what I wanted to order. As if you could mistake a spectrofluorometer with anything else."

Sheppard exchanged an amused glance with Ronon while Teyla covered a smile with her napkin.

"What?" Rodney demanded.

"She likes you," Sheppard said.

"Are you nuts? She hates me."

Teyla laughed out loud. "Oh, Rodney. Can you not see she is inventing excuses to spend time with you?"

"That's not- I mean…. Really?"

"Amazes me, too," Sheppard teased. "But she's flirting with you."

"Geek attraction." Ronon stuffed a handful of chips in his mouth. "It's weird."

"Hey!" Rodney protested then his brow wrinkled. "You really think she likes me? Me?"

Teyla patted his hand. "I am certain of it."

"Seriously, McKay, you should be getting better at this." Sheppard swiped the last brownie, grinning at Ronon's scowl. "Unless you're not interested."

"I've never really thought- Okay maybe I _thought_ about her that way, but I never considered…. I mean, she's beautiful and smart – in an MBA kind of way because she's brainless when it comes to science. She's kind to everybody. And she never gets mad. How is that possible?"

"She gets angry, I assure you," Teyla said. "She simply holds it inside until she has the time to release it. She has destroyed more than one set of bantos rods."

Rodney's eyes widened. "Is she any good?"

Teyla laughed. "No. But she tries."

"She's as coordinated as you are," Ronon added.

"What are you trying to say?" Rodney stared at each one in turn as they laughed. "Fine. I admit that I'm not the most athletic. And if this is some kind of joke you've cooked up to make me look stupid in front of her, you will never have hot water again. Ever. Maybe no life support at all."

"We would not do something like that," Teyla assured him.

Sheppard winked at her then turned to Rodney. "You know what to do this time?"

McKay sighed. "Are you ever going to let me live that down?"

"Not in your lifetime," Sheppard replied with a grin.

"I don't need any help, thank you, Don Juan. Now, if you'll excuse me…."

Rodney pushed away from the table, dumped his tray, and headed to the gateroom where he found Hannah in her office blinking blearily at her computer screen.

She looked up when he cleared his throat. "Good afternoon, Doc- I mean Rodney. What can I do for you?"

"Um, yeah, hi. Listen, I was wondering if later on you might want to… maybe, uh, havedinnerwithme."

Pulling the black-rimmed glasses from her face, she rubbed her eyes tiredly. "I'm sorry. It's been a long day already-"

"No, no. Forget I said anything. I knew this had to be a joke. Why would-"

"I didn't understand what you said. You talk really fast, you know."

"What? Oh, um," he took a deep breath, "I asked if you'd like to have dinner with me." He spoke slowly, enunciating each word.

A crooked smile appeared as her eyes danced. "I'd love to. About eight?"

"Sure," Rodney replied. "I'll meet you in the mess hall. I hear they're serving lasagna."

"One of my favorites," Hannah said. "I'll see you then."

Rodney grinned all the way to his lab. He pulled up the analysis of the tendrils from Keller's mutation a couple of years before, staring at it for most of the afternoon until Zelenka arrived.

"What are you doing?"

"A brilliant plan is growing in the back of my mind," Rodney replied.

"What plan?"

"Don't know. It hasn't made itself known yet." He sighed and turned to Radek. "To be honest, I'm having a hard time concentrating."

Zelenka's brows disappeared under his mussed hair. "You?"

"I know. But…" Rodney glanced around the room. "I have a date tonight," he whispered.

"Is it a secret?" Radek whispered in return.

"Not really. I'm afraid to say it too loud. Don't want to jinx it."

Radek hopped on the stool next to him. "So…. Who is the mystery woman?"

"Hannah."

"Alvarez?" Zelenka gaped at him. "Really?"

"Is that so hard to believe?"

"Yes. She is…. And you are…." Radek shrugged helplessly. "You know."

"No, I don't. Tell me."

Zelenka's eyes narrowed as he studied Rodney's face. "Hmmmm…. Maybe not so strange after all. She might be just what you need."

"And what does that mean?"

"Nature requires balance. Maybe she will be that for you." Radek smiled at Rodney's confusion. "Never mind. Why don't you go get ready? You aren't getting much done here."

Rodney stuttered in protest then sighed. "You're right." He pushed away and headed out, ignoring Radek's amused expression.

When he got to his quarters, he rifled through his closet, choosing and discarding numerous shirts and pants before finally deciding on the blue shirt and black trousers Jeannie gave him on his last birthday. After a long shower and a shave, he splashed on a bit of cologne and raked some gel that he'd swiped from Sheppard through his hair. He brushed his teeth and checked his appearance one last time then left.

Hannah arrived at the door to the mess hall at the same time he did, dressed in a short skirt that showed off her legs and a lavender blouse that highlighted her eyes.

She waved delightedly. "Hello there."

"Wow," Rodney said. "You look… amazing."

"You clean up pretty well yourself. Ready?"

He took a deep breath and smiled. "I'm ready."

xxx

The ocean breeze was light, the briny scent refreshing. Rodney and Hannah sat on a blanket, the remnants of their picnic tucked in a plastic bag. She leaned her head on his shoulder as they gazed at the city. The night lights reflected off the water, and the stars glistened above them.

"She's incredible, isn't she," Hannah whispered.

Rodney slipped his arm around Hannah's waist. "Yes, she is."

Hannah turned to find him staring at her. "I meant Atlantis."

"Yeah, she's not bad, either."

"Has Colonel Sheppard been feeding you lines?"

"No. Why?" He blanched then turned purple. "Has he been hitting on you?"

"Of course not," she soothed, taking his hand in both of hers. "That just didn't sound like something you'd say. I thought maybe you'd asked… well, never mind."

"Look, you have to know after going out with me for a couple of weeks that I'm not very good at this."

"Then let me help." She tugged him to his feet and wrapped his hands behind her back then slid her hands up his arms. Placing her palms on the sides of his face, she traced her thumbs gently over his cheeks then pulled his head towards hers.

"Are you sure?" he whispered.

Hannah kissed the corner of his mouth. "I'm sure." She ran her fingers through his hair and giggled against his lips. "But the gel has to go."

He chuckled into the hollow of her throat then kissed his way up to her ear and slowly pulled the clips from her hair. "Only if these go, too."

She shook her hair free and gazed at him with fire in her eyes. "Deal."

xxx

Hannah pressed a kiss to the back of Rodney's neck as she placed a sandwich and a steaming cup of coffee next to the keyboard.

His head drooped. "I forgot we were having dinner again, didn't I?"

She wrapped her arms around his chest, pressing against his back as she rested her chin on his shoulder. "Yes. What are you working on?"

"I had this idea for a weapon against the Wraith." He frowned at his monitor then typed furiously for a minute.

"What idea?" she prompted.

"I don't know exactly. I'm still working on it."

"Then not exactly. How about generally?"

"I was thinking about making a virus."

"I thought we tried that already. We don't need another Michael."

"Not that kind of virus. Something simpler. Something that would cripple their ships."

Hannah bit his ear.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"For dumbing it down for the Harvard grad."

Rodney chuckled and turned to face her. "A couple of years ago, we had an encounter with a virus Michael made that caused humans to begin converting into something resembling a hive ship. We've been analyzing the data since then. I want to reverse engineer it."

"To make the hive ships…."

"…revert back to their original form."

She moved into his personal space, skimming his features with her fingers. "Will that work?"

His eyes fluttered shut at her touch. "I have no idea," he mumbled, pulling her close and stroking his thumb up and down her spine. His eyes opened, pupils large "But I'm going to find out."

Hannah leaned down until their noses touched. "Now?" She straddled his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and sinking into his kiss.

Rodney's hands tightened on her waist, pulling her flush against him. "Maybe not right now."

xxx

"You've got it bad." Sheppard rested his chin on his palm as he studied Rodney over the chessboard. "Really bad."

Rodney shook his head as he toyed with a captured pawn. "Don't I know it. We've been dating for six months, and I feel like I'm only scratching the surface with her. She's the only thing I think about." He arched a brow. "Is that normal?"

"I never put you and normal in the same sentence."

"Why do I even bother?"

"It's normal, Rodney." Sheppard's gaze turned distant, and a hint of sadness stole over his features. "When you really love someone."

"I've never felt this way before," McKay confessed quietly. "I thought I loved Katie, but this… this is…."

"Yeah, you're a goner." Sheppard moved a knight. "You gonna do something about it?"

"I haven't decided yet. Last time didn't work out so well. What if I'm still not ready?"

"Different girl. Different you."

"Am I different enough?" Rodney's face was completely vulnerable.

Sheppard opened his mouth then snapped it shut, shaking his head. Turning serious, he asked, "Would you die for her?"

Rodney didn't hesitate. "Yes."

"Then you're ready. Just promise that when you do ask her, you'll do it someplace with a computer and a radio."

"I promise." Rodney grinned as he moved his bishop. "And checkmate."

xxx

Rodney buried his face in the crook of her neck. "Why don't you wear your hair down more often?"

Hannah wiggled in his arms until she was face-to-face with him. "Because it gets in my way when I work." She kissed the pulse point under the corner of his jaw. "Besides, I like the fact that only you see me as I am."

He groaned as her fingers danced light circles down his chest toward his abdomen. "You know we're scheduled to beam down any minute now."

She giggled as she kissed him. "Yeah. So?"

"So?" he squeaked as her hands slid under his shirt. "It would be a little… unseemly to arrive in the control room like this, don't you think?"

"We're newlyweds," she whispered. "They'll forgive us."

Daedalus' shipwide intercom crackled to life. _"Dr. and Mrs. McKay to the bridge."_

Rodney tangled his hands in Hannah's hair, pulling her head back and kissing her soundly. "Well, Caldwell won't. Let's go."

They hurried to the bridge, Hannah raking her fingers through her hair and securing it to the base of her neck with a clip. After well-wishes from the colonel, they beamed into the control room to shouts of 'Welcome home!' Sheppard slapped him on the back and gave Hannah a chaste kiss on the cheek. Teyla inclined her head, bouncing a fussing infant Charin in her arms. Ronon smothered them both in a hug. After a few minutes of catching up, his team excused themselves, citing numerous duties to attend to.

"Your luggage has been beamed to your quarters," Chuck informed Rodney and Hannah with a smile.

"Thank you," Hannah said, linking her arm through Rodney's and tugging him toward the transporter.

"Wait, which quarters?" Rodney asked. "Yours or mine? I forgot to fill out the paperwork to request bigger quarters before we left."

Hannah punched him in the arm. "Smartass."

He grinned at her. "I don't make the rules. Now, where are we going?"

"Wait and see." She keyed the transporter controls.

Rodney looked around in confusion when they stepped out. "Where are we?"

She intertwined her fingers with his. "Come on." She pulled him gently around the corner to a secluded section, waving a hand at the door controls for the room on the end.

"Oh, wow." He stepped into the room, eyes wide. "This place is huge. I didn't know there were corner apartment suites. How did you get this?"

Hannah laughed. "I help administer the city, Rodney. I know where all the good stuff is."

He wandered in, fingers trailing over his diplomas, her collection of frog figurines, pictures of friends and family. Their suitcases were near the door, and two large sofas faced each other in the center of the room, an antique coffee table between them. Two small rooms were to the right, currently empty, and the master bedroom was to the left, a huge bed arranged diagonally in the corner with the floor-to-ceiling windows.

His face crinkled in confusion. "Where have I seen that bedspread before?"

She ran a hand lovingly over it. "The Athosians customarily give a handmade blanket to the newly married. This is from Teyla and Kanaan," she hinted.

"Oh, yeah. Certified hypoallergenic according to Keller." He poked the mattress cautiously, glancing up when she laughed. "What?"

Hannah sat down on the bed then leaned back on her elbows. "I ordered a king-size prescription mattress weeks ago. You'll be fine."

"Really?"

She smiled dangerously as she reached for him. "Let's find out."

xxx

"What's wrong with you?" Rodney asked, white-faced. "You're never sick."

Hannah dabbed at her face with a towel as she met his eyes in the bathroom mirror. "I haven't felt well the past few days. It comes and goes."

"We're going to see Keller now."

"Relax, Rodney. I've already seen her. She ran a few tests yesterday. She asked me to stop by after staff meeting this morning."

He grasped her shoulders, turning her to face him then taking her hands. "You'll be fine. I'm sure it's nothing. Positive, in fact. Probably just a bug a Marine brought back from some primitive planet. Nothing to worry about at all."

She wrapped her arms around him and snuggled into his chest. "Nothing at all."

Hours later, Rodney paced in his lab, glancing at his watch every five seconds.

"Just call her," Zelenka urged. "Or better yet – go find her. No one can get any work done here." He lowered his voice. "There is no shame in worrying for your wife. It's what you're supposed to do. Now go."

"You're right. I should ask. Keller will tell me." He hurried to the door then turned back. "Thanks, Radek." He snatched a lifesigns detector and left.

Rodney hesitated when he reached the transporter. Calling up the setting to search for sub-cu transmitters, he located Hannah. Stabbing at the controls, he exited to crew quarters and hustled to his room. When the doors swished open, Hannah was in the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at the wall.

"Oh, no," he whispered, his breath hitching. "What is it?"

Hannah's expression flickered. "Hmmm?"

Rodney knelt beside her and grabbed her hands. "Whatever it is, we'll do it together, okay? I'll be by your side no matter what."

She blinked at him. "You'd better be since you're responsible."

"What? I'm sick, too? I mean, my head hurts, and my legs feel tingly, but they always feel that way. I had no idea-" He broke off and stood when she began giggling uncontrollably. "This is funny?"

"Oh, oh, Rodney. I'm sorry. I'm not sick, and you're not either. I didn't mean to make you think…." She wiped the tears from her face and lay back on the bed.

He sank down next to her, fidgeting with the edge of the bedspread. "Then what is it?"

She rolled on her side and propped up on an elbow. "I'm pregnant."

"You're what? How'd that happen?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure that when you-"

He waved his hands wildly. "I know that part. I mean, I thought you were taking a pill or something."

"I was. But they haven't invented a pill yet that is one hundred percent effective. Apparently, I'm part of the lucky three percent who gets pregnant anyway." She sat up slowly, looking vulnerable. "Are you angry?"

Rodney did his best fish impersonation. "Angry? I- I don't know what I am, but I'm not angry." He gripped her hand, squeezing hard. "And Jennifer said you were okay otherwise?"

She pulled him into an embrace, rubbing soothing circles on his back as he relaxed into her. "I'm perfectly healthy and so is your son… or daughter."

He leaned back, staring at her wide-eyed. "Oh, my God. I'm going to be a father."

"I know. Hell hasn't frozen over, by the way."

"I'll never hear the end of this from Jeannie."

"She says you're great with Madison."

"That's because Madison is exceptionally brilliant."

"And I've seen you with Torren and Charin. You are a complete mushball. You are going to be a great father."

"You really think so?"

Hannah smiled, holding his face gently between her palms. "I know so."

xxx

"Wake up, Daddy!" Beth shouted, black pig-tails flying as she bounced on the bed. "It's my birthday!"

"_Is that their daughter?" Clarika asked._

"_Yes, Elizabeth Diane. She turns three today."_

"_She looks like him."_

"_Yes, she does. Her little brother, Joseph, looks more like Hannah."_

Rodney sat up scowling then broke into a grin, reaching for her. Beth burst into giggles even before he began tickling her, collapsing on the bed when he did and shrieking with laughter. Hannah peeked in, bouncing Joey on her hip, and shook her head. Then she lightly tossed the boy on the bed and joined in the fun. Soon the entire family had tears streaking their faces.

"_They look happy."_

_Janus circled the room, nodding sadly. "They are happy. The expedition is flourishing. Rodney is making progress with his Wraith weapon. Hannah enjoys her work, and it gives her the flexibility to check in on the children at the daycare. They spend many evenings with Rodney's teammates and their families. But most of all, they love being together."_

"_It's not going to last, is it?"_

xxx

Rodney maneuvered delicately through the control room, hopping the last three steps and flinging himself in a chair. He propped the crutches against the console and eased his leg under it. "If I ever find the guy who planted that bear trap…." He sighed then focused on the display before him.

"Incoming wormhole," Chuck announced. "It's Colonel Sheppard's IDC."

"Lower the shield," Rodney ordered, struggling to his feet with a frown. "They're early."

He hobbled to the railing as Sheppard, Teyla, and Woolsey plodded through. They were covered in dirt and had numerous scrapes and contusions, all turning grief-stricken faces to him at the same time.

"Oh, God." Rodney stared at the stargate, flinching violently when it shut down. "Oh, no, no." He shook his head as Sheppard slowly climbed the stairs. "Please, no," he begged.

"God, McKay, I'm so sorry."

"No." He backed away from Sheppard, shaking his head furiously. "Oh, please, God, no."

Sheppard grabbed McKay's arms, holding him upright when his knees buckled. Rodney clung to him for a second then pushed away. "I don't understand. They're peaceful. We've been there a hundred times. Where is she? What happened?"

Teyla grasped Rodney's hand. "There was a culling-"

Rodney jerked his hand from hers. "Then we'll find the ship she's on. Give me a few-"

Sheppard blocked his path. "Didn't take her on a ship."

"Then what-" Rodney whirled away with a stifled cry, turning his back to them and gripping the railing until his knuckles turned white and his entire body trembled. His head dropped to his chest. "Where is her body?" he whispered.

Sheppard squeezed his shoulder. "Ronon stayed with her."

McKay pulled away, glancing up as the stargate reactivated and Lorne's team headed out with a body bag. "How? Why her?"

"We became separated when the culling began," Woolsey explained. "Colonel Sheppard and Teyla were pinned under some rubble, and I was across the compound. Hannah tried to stop a Wraith from feeding on a young woman. By the time I reached her, it was too late."

"Is it dead? The Wraith?"

Sheppard nodded, his eyes turning cold and flat. "All of them are."

"Good." Rodney grabbed his crutches and headed for the transporter, oblivious to the tears coursing down his face.

"McKay," Sheppard called.

"Just leave me alone."

Rodney hurried to his quarters, barely making the last few meters to the bathroom before his stomach turned inside out. The retching eventually turned to dry heaves then faded. Stumbling to the bed, he collapsed on it, curling on his side and burying his face in her pillow, breathing in her scent. The tears came faster, hard sobs that racked his frame. When the tears finally subsided, he shuffled to the bathroom, washed his face, and combed his hair. Grabbing his crutches, he slowly made his way to the daycare.

"_Rodney never shed another tear after that," Janus said._

_Clarika turned to him, horrified. "There's nothing you could do?"_

_Janus shook his head grimly. "One of the few times the Others prevented me from helping."_

"_No wonder he is so sad."_

"_He was a robot at first, making funeral arrangements, taking her body back to Earth. When he returned, he withdrew, locked himself in his lab for days at a time, almost dying from exhaustion and grief. His team slowly coaxed him out, but after Hannah's death, Rodney's purpose in life became perfecting his Wraith weapon. His grief turned to rage. He was consumed with hatred for the Wraith, determined to destroy them or die trying."_

xxx

"But I don't want to go," Rodney whined. "I've got like a million things to work on."

Sheppard grabbed his sleeve and tugged. "You have to go. It's your birthday party. The big five-oh."

"All the more reason not to go."

"Whatever."

"Seriously. I'm close to finding the right sequence for the virus."

"It'll keep another couple of hours."

"Sheppard…."

John wheeled around, planting himself in front of Rodney. "It's been two years, McKay."

"I've been working on it longer than-"

"I'm not talking about your Hive Destructor. You've hidden behind that damn project long enough."

"Am I not following the John Sheppard grief recovery schedule?"

Sheppard huffed in frustration. "Your kids need you. They've spent more time in my quarters than yours since Hannah died."

"They understand the importance of my work."

"No, they don't. They think you don't care about them."

"They told you that?"

"They didn't have to. I'm not blind. You're holed up in your lab, sacrificing yourself and them in the search for vengeance. It's like they've lost both parents." Sheppard's gaze was intense. "You didn't die that day, Rodney."

"Yes, I did!"

"Is this what Hannah would want?"

Rodney sucked in a breath. "Don't you dare."

"What? Remind you that she loved you? That she would want you to go on with your life? To be happy? To take care of yourself and your kids?"

"Stop it!"

John scrubbed the back of his neck. "Fine. I don't know what else to say anyway. We'll be on the east pier if you decide to come."

Sheppard stalked away, leaving Rodney staring after him. He looked back toward the lab and the program he'd given himself to. "The east pier, huh," he muttered. "Guess we need more space these days." His head dropped in his hands, and he rubbed his temples. "God, I miss you. What should I do?"

Atlantis hummed around him.

He headed back to the lab.

xxx

"Daddy?" Beth said tentatively.

Coffee cups bounced as Rodney slammed his hands on the worktable and wheeled around. His five year old hovered inside the door, ponytail haphazard and wearing a dirty sundress. "How many times have I told you not to disturb me in the lab?"

Beth's chin jutted forward. "Joey's hungry."

"Then get him something to eat."

"You know the rules. No kids in the cafeteria without an adult."

He rubbed his forehead. "Can this wait?"

"No. We waited all day, but you never came. I can't get him to go to sleep."

"Then… go find Aunt Teyla."

"But Daddy-"

"No more buts. Now, I've got work to do."

"You always have work to do."

"Not another word. Go."

Beth stomped out, and Rodney turned back to his program. Half an hour later, the doors to the lab slid opened, and a compactly built woman in BDUs walked in, leading Joey and Beth by the hand.

"Dr. McKay?"

"Oh, for God's sake. What now?" He glanced up. "Sorry, um… Major…."

"Sheffield, sir. Lydia Sheffield."

"Major Sheffield, why do you have my children?"

"Because they were trying to go through the stargate, sir. I barely got it shut down before they made it through. If I may, this is a big city, sir. Children aren't supposed to be left unattended."

"First of all, no, you may not. Second, I know exactly how big this city is. I've been here almost fifteen years. Third, what the hell kind of lax security is going on in the control room that kids are able to dial the gate?"

Sheffield's brows rose, and a dimpled grin crossed her face. "Respectfully, sir, we usually don't have to worry about kids in the gateroom period much less at this time of night."

"This time of…. What time is it?"

"Oh-three hundred, sir. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my post. Gotta watch for all those dangerous kids plotting to take over the gateroom."

"You're a laugh a minute, Major." He rolled his eyes then called, "Thank you for… you know."

"Yes, sir. Have a good night."

Once the door swished shut, he turned angrily to Beth, ignoring the hurt in her eyes and Joey's tear-stained face. "Dialing the gate? What were you thinking?"

"You said to get Aunt Teyla to help me feed Joey. She's on New Athos this week." She grabbed Joey's hand and headed for the door.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"What do you care?" she tossed over her shoulder just before the doors shut.

xxx

"May I join you?"

Rodney looked up at the question. A woman in BDUs with mousy brown curls and a full tray stood next to his table. "Yes, um, Major… Leftfield."

She chuckled. "Sheffield. And please, call me Lydia."

"Yes, well…." He cleared his throat as she sat down and took a huge bite of her sandwich.

"Mmmmm…. That's heavenly."

"It's a sandwich."

Lydia laughed. "It's a good sandwich. After twenty years of Army slop, this is ambrosia."

"Army? When did they start letting the Army come here?"

"Well, at least five years. That's how long I've been on Atlantis."

"Seriously? Why have I never seen you before?"

She popped a grape in her mouth. "Probably because you weren't paying attention."

"I pay attention to the important stuff."

Her brows shot up then she burst into giggles. "Gee, thanks."

"Oh, um, I didn't mean that… ah…." He blushed furiously as she grinned at him. "Thanks again, by the way…. My kids…."

"Not a problem. You know," she wiped the corner of her mouth with her thumb, "they're great kids. Really smart and easy to get along with. I've had the pleasure of working in the daycare when they were there."

Rodney squirmed in his chair and glanced away. She watched him for a minute then piled her trash on the tray and stood.

"Thanks for letting me share your table, Doc. Have a nice day."

His eyes flicked in her direction. "Yeah, you too."

xxx

Rodney hauled three full baskets to the laundry room, staring in dismay at the long line of washers and driers, all of which were in use. He set the baskets on the floor, clenching his fists to stop his hands from shaking, kicking at an empty chair. Raking his fingers through his hair, he paced the length of the room, checking each machine.

"I do not have time for this," he hissed.

A face peered around the corner. "Dr. McKay?"

Startling, he whipped around. "Oh, Major… ah… Shef…field."

Her face lit up. "That's right. But you were going to call me Lydia, remember?"

"Yes, yes, of course. Sorry. I didn't realize anyone else was in here. Apparently all of Atlantis needs to wash clothes right now."

Her cheeks flushed. "Actually, I'm using most of them."

"What? Why would you use every last machine? Don't you have any respect for other people?"

She smiled gently. "I didn't say I was using all of them, just most. My unit takes turns doing laundry. This week is my turn."

Rodney glanced down the row of machines. "How many people are in your unit?"

"Twenty. I was folding a load on the table in the back when I heard you. Are you okay?"

He huffed a laugh as he dropped into a chair. "Oh, yeah. Peachy. I've got staff meeting in half an hour, and my kids don't have anything to wear today." He stared at his hands, rubbing his palms together. "What the hell was I thinking having kids?" he mumbled.

She sat down next to him, folding her hands in her lap. "My mom used to say that all the time after my dad died. There were four of us. We were always under foot, needing something. Sometimes it was just too much for her to do alone." Lydia turned to face him, her eyes soft and compassionate. "I know your family has been through a tough time. Do you have any help?"

"My psychological state is none of-"

"Not mental help, Doctor. Help help. Someone to do laundry, clean your quarters, make sure your kids get fed, that kind of thing. My mom never had that kind of help and, well, things got worse until the state took us away from her. Just a little help will make a difference."

"Oh." He cocked his head to the side, brow furrowed. "I never thought about it."

"It's okay to ask for help. Even with all the people we have here now, it still feels like one big family, and we take care of each other. Colonel Sheppard drills in 'leave no one behind,' but that means more than just on the battlefield."

"I- I wouldn't know where to start."

She grinned at him. "Then let's start small. I'm on laundry duty anyway. Leave your stuff here. I'll make sure it gets done and returned to your quarters."

"_Did he accept her help?" Clarika asked._

"_Grudgingly," Janus answered. "But Lydia didn't give up. She made sure his kids were well-fed and where they needed to be on time. She arranged for the cleaning staff to straighten his quarters and taught Beth a game called 'sort the laundry' then added it to her unit's wash each week. But while the children were cared for, their relationship with Rodney continued to deteriorate. Lydia noticed, orchestrated events to capitalize on the little bits of free time Rodney allowed himself. And despite his best efforts, Rodney began to emerge from his shell. For a while."_

xxx

"Hey, buddy."

Joey looked up from the computer screen in surprise. "Hi, Daddy."

"What are you doing?"

"Uncle John showed me how to play golf."

"Golf? That will rot your brain."

"It will?"

"No, but don't tell Uncle John that. I've almost got him convinced." Rodney sat down next to him. "Can I join you?"

"You know how to play golf?"

"Of course. Uncle John taught me how years ago."

"Did it rot your brain?"

Rodney grinned as Joey handed him the controls. "That's what I'm blaming it on."

xxx

The mess hall was mostly deserted when he entered. Lydia was easy to spot, sitting on the balcony in civvies, reading a book, and sipping a bottle of water. Rodney grabbed a cup of coffee and headed toward her.

"May I join you?" he asked.

Lydia glanced up, one hand reaching to smooth her unruly curls when she saw him. "Of course, Doctor."

"Rodney."

Her ears pinked. "Rodney. Are the kids okay?"

"Yep. They're having a slumber party with Sheppard's kids at Ronon's. They'll probably come back experts in knife throwing." He grinned when she giggled. "What are you reading?"

She flipped the book over to show him the cover.

His brows shot up. "_Les Miserables_. In French."

"I like the classics."

"I've heard that." He set a package wrapped in brown paper on the table.

"What's this?" she asked.

"Open it."

Her eyes grew round as the paper fell away. "_Moby Dick_! I love this book." She gasped as she flipped through the pages. "A first edition? Oh, Doc- Rodney. I don't know what to say."

He shot her a rueful grin. "Well, that book and I have history." The grin faded as he leaned forward. "It's the least I can do after all you've done for me and my kids. I can never thank you enough."

Lydia glanced at him through her lashes, her blush deepening. "You're welcome."

xxx

Beth looked up from the lunch table when her name was called. "What are you doing here?"

Rodney pulled a cupcake from behind his back. "It's your birthday, Bethie. Where else would I be?"

She smiled shyly as he stuck a candle in and lit it. "Thanks, Daddy."

"Happy birthday, sweetheart. Make a wish."

Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she took a deep breath and blew it out hard, clapping when the flame winked out. Rodney grinned and pulled the candle out then unwrapped the cupcake.

"Chocolate with chocolate icing. Your favorite."

She took a big bite then offered it to him, giggling as icing smeared on his nose. "Oh, Daddy. Use your napkin."

_Clarika studied their faces. "What changed?"_

"_Rodney had a breakthrough in his research."_

"_He found a way to defeat the Wraith?"_

_Janus sighed. "Once he found the right sequence, he became fixated again, ignoring everything and everyone in his quest. His kids rarely see him and have stopped asking for him. He stepped down temporarily from his team in order to complete his testing. He's been working nonstop for weeks trying to perfect the delivery system. And he's close. Which brings us to today."_

xxx

Rodney stumbled into his quarters in the pre-dawn darkness. He jumped in the shower then brushed his teeth and tugged on a fresh uniform. He was shaving when the door opened and Beth blinked sleepily.

"Daddy?"

"I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep."

Joey pushed in behind her, rubbing his eyes. "Where's Momma?"

Rodney froze. "What did you say?"

Beth waved a hand vaguely. "That's what he calls Lydia."

He squatted down, looking Joey in the eye. "Lydia is not your mother."

"Is so. She takes care of me, reads me bedtime stories, makes my lunch. That's what Aunt Teyla does for Torren and Charin, and she's their momma."

Beth grasped Joey's shoulders and pointed him out the door. "Go back to bed, Joey. Lydia will be here soon." When her brother padded out, she looked at Rodney with old eyes. "He's right, you know. She's the only one who takes care of us."

Rodney stared after her as she slipped out. Refusing to meet his own eye in the mirror, he cleaned up and headed out, locating Lydia on guard duty in the gateroom.

"Major, can I have a word?"

"Of course," she answered, confusion flickering on her face.

"In private."

She turned to the Marine nearby. "I'll be right back, Lieutenant."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Lydia followed him down the steps and around the corner. "What's wrong?"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I don't understand."

"Joey just asked where his mother is," Rodney hissed.

She sighed, eyes downcast. "I'm sorry about that. I've tried to explain to him-"

"Well, try harder. While I appreciate all you've done, I didn't ask you to do it."

Lydia stepped back, face white. "You really have no idea, do you?"

"No idea about what?"

"Why I do this." She shook her head, blinking rapidly. "Don't worry, Dr. McKay. I won't be bothering you again." Swiveling on her heel, she marched back to her post, spine and shoulders stiff.

Rodney watched her leave, took a step in her direction then stopped, frowning. "What am I doing?" he mumbled. "I've got better things to do than chase after some emotional…." He glanced at her one last time then headed back to his lab.

A couple of hours later, Sheppard poked his head in. "You set?"

Nodding, Rodney patted his vest pocket. "The injector is prepped and ready. We're good to go."

"Then let's go try it out."

They headed to the jumper bay where Ronon and Teyla waited. Woolsey gave them the green light, and they lifted upward, soaring through the bay roof and into orbit where the Zephyrus waited. They landed in the 302 bay and headed to the bridge.

"Welcome aboard," Colonel Morgan greeted then turned to his flight officer. "Take us out, Major."

Once they broke orbit, they opened a hyperspace window and headed for a remote part of the galaxy. Half an hour later, a hive ship arrived, and Sheppard's team headed back to the jumper.

"We're set, Colonel," Sheppard said.

"Bay doors are opening." Rodney rekeyed the HUD. "We're good to go."

"_As soon_ _as you're clear, we'll commence attack. Don't keep us waiting. Morgan out._"

The jumper cloaked and zoomed out of the bay as the first wave of darts launched from the hive. Sheppard guided the jumper stealthily through the maze of ships and weaponsfire, landing in the dart bay. They raced through the ship, P-90s blazing as they sought the correct terminal.

McKay plugged in his tablet and scrolled through schematics. "Got it!" He ripped the connections out and followed his team down the corridor. "Go left," he instructed. "We're looking for the level beneath the bridge."

"Beneath the bridge? You don't want much, do you?" Sheppard slammed a full magazine into place. "Let's go."

They moved quickly, shooting only when they had to, until they reached the room indicated. A mass of tendrils undulated, spreading in every direction.

"It's all yours, McKay," Sheppard said.

Rodney pulled the injector from his vest, gripping it tightly as he moved to the center of the room. He located the heart of the mass and jammed the injector in, releasing the virus.

Sheppard clapped a hand on his shoulder. "We need to move."

Jerking his head sharply, Rodney tucked the injector in a pocket and followed his team to the dart bay. The Wraith they encountered along the way seemed confused, uncertain, and were easily defeated. They rushed into the jumper and burst from the hive. Darts surrounded the Zephyrus, causing quite a light show as they jerked and flopped and slammed into its shields. The hive shook then pulsated as it fired on the Zephyrus. The energy blasts blew through the shields.

"Those are Asgard shields," McKay muttered. The HUD flickered to life as the hive fired another volley. "Oh, my God. Those shots are reading ten times more powerful than before."

"Zephyrus, this is Sheppard. Get out now! Zephyrus, do you read? Their weapons are stronger. Get-"

The ship shuddered under the onslaught and exploded.

"Shit!" Knuckles white, Sheppard zipped through the debris, trying to avoid the darts that had zeroed in on his transmission. The inertial dampeners struggled to keep up with Sheppard's maneuvers.

"Oh, my God. What have I done?" Rodney whispered.

"McKay, I need you to focus." Sheppard's voice was low, intense. "We are light years from Atlantis and surrounded by Wraith. We have to find a way home."

"Yes, yes, of course." Rodney turned his attention to the readouts. "Okay, the third planet in this system has a gate. It will take… about ten hours to get there."

"I'm sure the Wraith know about it," Sheppard replied. "They'll be expecting us."

Darts swooped around them, firing blindly. Sheppard continued to weave his way, hiding behind larger portions of the rubble. Suddenly the remaining darts retreated, all of them shakily returning to the hive. A hyperspace window opened, and they were gone.

Rodney bit his lip, staring furiously at his laptop, calling up various readings.

Sheppard shot him a sideways glance. "McKay-"

"I don't know what happened," Rodney snapped. "I need some time to figure it out."

"It didn't work," Ronon said.

"Oh, thank you, Mr. Obvious. As if I couldn't tell that when the Zephyrus blew up killing all four hundred and fifty-six people on board."

Teyla laid a tentative hand on his arm "Rodney, we all knew the risk."

He shrugged her off. "It doesn't change the fact that I killed them."

"The Wraith killed them, McKay. Place the blame where it needs to be," Sheppard said.

"The Wraith killed them because somehow my virus magnified the power of their weapons. Hannah was right," Rodney added bleakly. "I've created another Michael."

"You don't know that," Sheppard reminded him.

"Don't I? You saw what happened."

"We don't know that your virus caused it."

"Stop! Just stop. The Wraith didn't magically upgrade their weapons while we were onboard. I did it. Me. I screwed up. That hive is more powerful than ever – and still out there I might add – and the Zephyrus has been destroyed instead. Nothing you say is going to change that."

The rest of the trip was spent in silence.

When they finally arrived in Atlantis, Rodney brushed past his teammates and hurried out of the bay, ignoring Woolsey's calls and the eyes of the control room crew. The transporter deposited him near his quarters, and he trudged the rest of the way, shoulders slumped. The doors slid open to a darkened room and humming which stopped as soon as he stepped inside. Lydia was sitting in the corner, rocking Joey.

She stood with the boy in her arms. "Excuse me, Doctor. I'll put him to bed then leave."

Joey whimpered and nuzzled her shoulder. "Momma?

Lydia brushed the hair out of his eyes and kissed him on the forehead. "No, sweetie. It's Lydia. I have to go now."

"No," Joey whined. "Stay."

"I can't."

Beth shuffled into the room, rubbing her eyes. "What's going on? What did you do, Daddy?"

"Nothing, Bethie," Rodney answered. "Go back to bed. Lydia, you don't-"

"No!" Joey screamed. "Don't leave me, Momma!"

Rodney took a step back as his son wrapped arms and legs around her and sobbed hysterically. "It's okay, Joey. Lydia's-"

Beth ran to them, throwing her arms around Lydia and staring balefully at Rodney. "This is all your fault, Daddy! Why don't you leave us alone? I hate you!"

He staggered backward, meeting Lydia's stricken eyes. "I- I-"

The more Lydia tried to extricate herself, the tighter the children held on. Rodney swallowed thickly then turned and walked out.

He wandered the halls for a while eventually ending up in his lab. After typing an email to Jeannie, he uploaded the video feed from the failed test, looping it continuously.

"_Poor Rodney." Clarika circled him as his head dropped in his hands. "He must feel like his life is falling apart."_

"_He does," Janus said. "He's close to the answer. He can't quit now."_

_She turned to him, aghast. "You want me to convince him to continue to work on the virus?"_

"_In a word, yes. I believe his weapon is the answer to defeating the Wraith. But, he needs to find a balance. The virus isn't the only thing he's contemplating quitting."_

"_Atlantis."_

_Janus nodded. "And worse – his family. He's lost his way. You have to help him find it."_

"_My limitations?"_

"_None. Do whatever it takes. Ready?"_

_Clarika drew a deep breath and nodded. "Yes."_

"_Then I'll see at the rendezvous point later. Good luck."_

"_Take care," she called as he vanished through the ceiling. Turning her attention to Rodney, she circled him again. "Now, how do I get your attention?" She watched as he finished a program that would delete his research. "Oh, no, you don't." She transformed into a girl of eight and solidified as he reached for the enter key._

"Hello."

Rodney jerked upright and spun around. His jaw clenched when he spotted her. "What are you doing here?" he hissed. "Where are your parents? Who are your parents?"

"My parents ascended when I did."

"Ascended. Yeah, right. Did do you do that before or after recess?"

Clarika smiled sadly. "You are quite a cynic, Dr. McKay."

"Well, there's a newsflash." He crossed his arms and glared. "Go home."

"I must complete my mission first."

"And what mission would that be?"

"To help you find yourself."

"I'm not the one who's lost," Rodney said.

Clarika stepped forward and took his hand. "Yes, you are. And sadly, you don't even realize it."

"I'm not in the mood for this, kid. Get lost."

"I can't. I have to complete my mission first."

"Riiiiight." He turned back to his workstation and reached for the keyboard…

… which disappeared completely.

"What the hell?" Rodney stumbled backward and stared at his computer then at her. "Who are you?"

"My name is Clarika."

"And you're an Ancient."

"No. My people were destroyed by the Replicators several years ago. An Ancestor named Janus helped us to ascend."

He squinted at her. "Janus? Why does that sound familiar?"

"I believe he helped Dr. Weir save the expedition."

"He's the guy who programmed the failsafe to make the city rise."

"Among other things."

Rodney looked her up and down. "And you've been sent here to help me."

She beamed at him. "Exactly."

"You look like the kind of Ancient I'd get."

"I'm not an Ancient," Clarika protested.

"Whatever." He turned his back to her, staring once again at the video of the Zephyrus' destruction.

"Look, Dr. McKay, I need you to listen." She tugged on his arm until he faced her. "You can't give up."

Self-loathing glittered in his eyes. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, I do. You're going to erase your research, leave Atlantis, ship your kids off. You think your life is over."

"Over?" he laughed bitterly. "So far it's been a complete waste. I destroy everything I touch. My children hate me. My wife is dead. The project I've dedicated years of my life to is a total bust. Why the hell am I even here?"

"You can't find any value to your life?"

"At the moment, no. I'm doing more harm than good. This universe would be better off without me."

Clarika gaped at him. "You don't mean that."

"Yes, yes, I do."

"You wish to be dead?"

Rodney frowned at her. "Of course not." He sighed, shaking his head. "But right now, I'm wishing I'd never been born."

"To never exist would be…." She tilted her head as she considered him. "You really wish you'd never been born?"

His eyes drifted to the looping video. "Yeah," he said quietly.

Rodney flinched as brilliant light filled the room. When he opened his eyes, he stared in horror. The lab was in shambles, a hole blown in one wall, debris liberally scattered, burned-out husks of monitors and consoles littering the floor. He turned and cried out as he faced open air. The outer wall, ceiling, and upper floors were gone. The central spire lay crumbled on the pier below, and most of the other towers were little more than piles of rock. The parts that remained bore furious scorch marks. The wind whistled around him but otherwise – silence.

Atlantis had been completely destroyed.

He staggered backward, tripping over the remains of a worktable. "What happened?"

She arched a brow. "Atlantis was destroyed by the Wraith over fifteen years ago."

Rodney scrambled to his feet. "That's not true. We tricked the Wraith into thinking we'd been destroyed."

"There is no we. You were never born, remember?"

"You- you can do that?"

"Do you not see the results before your eyes?"

"Let's assume for a crazy moment that I believe you. I realize that my genius would be sorely missed and that I've saved the city on innumerable occasions, but the other people here, the ones in charge, were not stupid. Are you telling me that they were incapable of saving the city?"

"Sometimes it's the little things, Dr. McKay."

"Like what?"

"Like having a head scientist who was unwilling to be a guinea pig for the ATA gene," Clarika said. "A man named Malcolm Tunney was chosen to be Chief Scientist. He sent Radek Zelenka to Carson Beckett for testing."

"The therapy didn't work on Radek."

"Exactly. The expedition began as you remember. Dr. Tunney picked Athos; Colonel Sumner, Teyla Emmagan, and the others were captured by the Wraith; Major Sheppard saved them, and the Athosians became Atlantis' first allies. But when the therapy failed on Dr. Zelenka, Dr. Beckett scrapped his research and started over."

Rodney's gaze focused, intensified. "And when the energy creature was released?"

"There was no one with a personal shield to throw the generator through the gate. Teyla did it instead. She died from the burns."

He stared at her in disbelief. "Are you sure that's what happened?"

"Very. While the Athosians remained allies, they left the city. When Sheppard was attacked by the iratus bug, there was no one to make the connection to the Wraith. Dr. Tunney got the drive pods retracted, but they couldn't remove the bug in time. Sheppard died in the jumper bay."

The blood drained from Rodney's face. "That can't be right."

"The expedition almost starved that first year without the close relationship with the Athosians that you experienced. Tunney saved the city from the massive storm – the expedition never knew the Genii as more than simple farmers – but he didn't come up with your high compression data burst that allowed you to contact Earth. No Colonel Everett, no Daedalus with a ZPM, not even a nuke from the Genii. No one could control the chair well enough to fire drones effectively. When the Wraith attacked, the city was completely vulnerable. They took out the control room before the self-destruct could be armed."

"The database?"

"They got it. All of it. Including the location of Earth. Between the Wraith and the Ori, your galaxy didn't stand a chance. The Ori eventually wiped the Wraith from existence but not before Earth fell."

Rodney's eyes filled with panic. "What about Hannah, my kids, Jeannie and Madison, Lydia, Ronon?"

"You have no children, Doctor. Hannah Alvarez was culled during the second wave and was sent on a supply ship back to Pegasus. She was fed on two years later. Your sister never had a family. She spent her entire life trying to please your father but never succeeded. She was one of the first to die from the Ori plague that swept Earth after they destroyed the Wraith. Lydia was killed in action during the first culling. The Wraith caught Ronon about six years ago."

He backed away from Clarika, horrified. "Enough! Change it back. Please, change it back."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes. God, yes."

The brilliant light flashed again, and the lab was restored to its previous condition. Rodney raced to the window, sighing in relief as the spires of Atlantis soared around him.

He clicked his earpiece. "Sheppard, this is McKay."

A sleepy voice responded. "_Do you know what time it is_?"

"Um, no. Sorry."

John's voice sharpened. "_What's wrong_?"

A genuine smile blossomed on Rodney's face. "Nothing. I, uh, I'll tell you tomorrow. McKay out."

Rodney raced for the door, screeching to a halt when it didn't open. "What now?"

Clarika arched a brow. "We haven't finished yet."

"Yes, we have. I'm good. You've convinced me – my life hasn't been wasted. I get it. I want to see my kids. Now."

"Our actions have ripple effects, Rodney. Not just our professional choices, but our personal ones as well. You need to find a balance between them and make some changes before it's too late."

He grew still, watching her face. "What are you talking about?"

"The Wraith weapon."

"The one that caused the destruction of the Zephyrus? I'm not going anywhere near it."

"You can't give up now. You're close, very close. But," she flashed, changing back to her adult form and staring him in the eye, "you can't sacrifice your family for it. Your kids need you, not your sister."

"How did you know- Oh, right. Ascended." Rodney turned away from her, rubbing his temples. "My kids… my kids need-"

"A father." Clarika gripped his shoulder as she walked around to face him. "I know you were devastated when Hannah died, but you're still alive. It's okay for you to smile, to laugh, to love your kids… and anyone else you so choose. Open your eyes, Rodney. See what's right in front of you."

"I'm not sure if I can."

She smiled gently. "Of course you can. You've had some dark moments, but overall, you have had a wonderful life. Your kids only want you to love them. You have terrific friends and a job that challenges you. Stop dwelling in the past; your life is ahead of you. But you need to rearrange your priorities."

Hope glimmered in his eyes. "It's not too late?"

"No. It will take a lot of work, but you can do it."

Rodney took a deep breath and nodded. "I can do it. Thanks, Clarika. For everything." He squinted as she dissolved into a bright light and disappeared through the ceiling.

"_Don't forget_." Her words floated back to him as the lab doors swished open.

He smiled. "I won't," he whispered, running for the transporter.

The doors to his quarters slid open when he waved at the controls. He stepped inside, searching for faces in the low light. Lydia was asleep in the rocker, Joey snuggled in her lap. Beth was curled on the sofa, blinking sleepily at him.

"Daddy?"

Rodney perched on the edge of the couch, brushing hair from her eyes. "Hey."

She squinted at him. "You look… different."

"I feel different. It's been a weird day."

"Are you going to send Lydia away?"

"No, Bethie." He pulled her onto his lap. "There are going to be a lot of changes around here, but Lydia leaving is not one of them. I'm going to do better, spend more time with you and Joey."

"You've said that before."

"I know, and I'm sorry for breaking that promise. My job is going to pull me away sometimes, but I want you to know that nothing is more important to me than you and Joey."

"What about Lydia?"

Rodney sighed. "I don't know. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I might not ever be ready."

Beth leaned back against his chest, yawning. "I don't hate you, Daddy."

He pressed his cheek against the top of her head, letting tears drip down his face for the first time in years. "I love you, baby."

When her breath evened out into sleep, Rodney carried her to her room and tucked her in. He slipped Joey from Lydia's arms and returned the boy to his bed. Then he spread a blanket over Lydia. Her breathing hitched at the touch, and she mumbled incoherently before sliding deeper into sleep. He reached hesitantly, smoothing the curls from her face.

Rodney glanced at the ceiling and smiled. "Maybe," he whispered. "One day."

_Clarika grinned then zoomed away, heading for the rendezvous point. She skidded to a stop at the red gas giant, floating lazily through the layers until she reach the core where Janus, Teer, and the rest waited._

"_How'd I do?"_

_Janus smiled. "Very well."_

"_Will he complete the weapon? Will it work?"_

_Teer's eyes narrowed. "It's hard to say for certain, but I believe so."_

"_As I told you, he is close," Janus added. "The hive he infected imploded in hyperspace. Once he determines how to override the power magnification issue-"_

"_-this galaxy will finally be free from the Wraith." Clarika concluded._

"_Maybe."_

"_And Lydia? His kids?"_

_Janus chuckled fondly. "Only time will tell. But he's headed in the right direction. He'll find his balance."_

The End.

* * *

_A/N: Written for the summersteam Harlequin challenge based on the plot: It's a Wonderful Life._


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